MOTHERHOOD EXPOSED

*Disclaimer - this is purely my lived experience, please seek medical advice from a lactation consultant, paediatrician or the Australian Breastfeeding Association Helpline on 1800 686 268.

Okay, I know it’s over done - we buy everything a baby could ever need and barely use a thing, so this isn’t a blog telling you to go to baby bunting and spend your life savings. It’s a blog telling you the actual support you can’t live without! A whinge about motherhood and the crap women have to go through and some random other stuff that you might find amusing! oh don't forget the poo story! Enjoy...

First of all! You’ve had a baby… and you ain’t got no idea what the actual fluff your doing. Your baby is crying all day and only wants to sleep on you… if this is still you my friend, you need to get some education at this point! I literally had never changed a diaper, EVER in my life before I had stormy! It makes me laugh thinking about my husband and I changing the diaper every time he peed for the first 3 weeks.

The following Instagram accounts literally saved my life. If you don’t follow them, watch their reels, videos, posts and read their blogs - good luck to ya honestly.

Parents 2 Be - Michelle is a godsend and you need to go watch the newborn swaddle/skydive videos and look at EVERYTHING

The Gentle Sleep Specialist -Tara is so gorgeous and has so many amazing videos and podcast that you must listen too! If you have a newborn and you don’t know what an awake time is… sort ya life out sister. Once you work this out you’ll feel like the baby whisperer! Also, if you have made it past 12 weeks and have said “oh she has her baby in a routine” in a real condescending tone in the past hahaha you are probably now feeling slightly embarrassed and telling your friends "I can’t meet you until 1.45pm but I’ll have to go by…" - a routine can and will save your life.

Teething

Nothing really works and you are going to hate your life for a hot minute but.. don’t bother with bonjella! You can get over the counter SM33, and it’ll help way more - Shout out to my mate Millie that told me to offer stormy a spring onion? apparently this is an old wives tale.

Pain relief

You can alternate nurofen and panadol when a baby is sick, has temperatures or is teething. Panadol is mediocre, but nurofen is a game changer the ONLY thing that worked when Stormy got Covid.

Onesies!

Haha I bought every cute outfit I could find before I had Stormy and he wore nothing but zip onesies till around 6 months. Stormy had a well working bowel and let’s be real: at 4am when he’s done a Boris yeltzen, you don’t want to be finding the bloody buttons while your little bundle of joy screams his lungs out! Also, if you do wear zip onesies a lot: WARNING, whatever you do... DO NOT pull the bottom zip down and leave the clothes done up in the early days! A poo explosion where the baby is trapped and the only way out is to put the poo explosion back on the screaming baby’s body,

is an absolute shit of a show. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

Poo explosions.

You think it will never happen to you! And then they start solids. I’ve had my fair share of mums say… "hehe have you had your first poo explosion yet". And I said..."nah I'm so lucky Stormy doesn't do that". Then flash forward to me casually being a hot ass glamorous mama at ferry road deli.

STORY TIME (THIS IS A GROSS ONE SKIP IF YOU DON'T LIKE POO STORIES): I decided to get myself an overpriced smoothie, so I loaded the car and swung stormy on my hip like a rad mum and went back to collect my ridiculously overpriced drink! As I stood waiting, I realised a god awful smell coming from my child's behind!!!!! Little did I know, ferry road did not have a mothers room. Instead, a disabled toilet where the bin and sink where a good 7000 meters from the change table. The deep sigh of FML I made could have been heard from Coomera but as mums take one for the team; I unwrapped my wilder-beast of a Childs nappy to see pumpkin coloured poo, literally in every crack and cranny! Like I'm sorry but how you can shit on your own head - I’ll never know! It got so bad during the deep cleaning process, I just took the kid naked and put him under the sink. To my surprise it just wouldn’t wash off - it was that thick hahahahahhaha So, after using my own fingers as a wash cloth... 30 mins later I appeared as a sweaty, stinky mother, with a baby wearing only a nappy (no spare clothes) a melted $10 smoothie and a pair of hands I’m still cautious to touch my face with. Ahhhh I can’t wait for you to have your first poo explosion - it’s one for the ages. The only regret I have through this whole experience was not taking a picture!

Friends

I love my friends all of them and the many walks of life they come from. But the amazing, entertaining, foodie in me is well and truely on vacation and god knows when she will return. No longer do I want to host, make food for people, clean the house in preparation for parties, bake cakes for my friends etc. All I want to do…is a drive by with the pram, say hello, pretend I got my shit together for an hour and get the hell outta there before my kid does another poo explosion. Gone are the days of hosting glamorous long lunches at my house.

Bed/Bath time:

If you have a bath in your house girl you NEED to get in with your kid for a number of reasons! 1. Save your back 2. Save yourself a shower 3. Your kid will love it!

An early bed time for you will be the new norm! On nights where you feeling like a rebel, you can start drinking wine and binge watching shows with your husband... but for me they are rare hahaha and you may regret them when your kid has an early wake the next day! I recommend 8pm bedtime for mama bear. So even if your kid is up all night, you still get some shut eye! Because let’s be real, you don’t actually watch anything on netflix! I bet you and your partner sit there arguing about what show to watch for a good half an hour and by that point your ready to fly kick someone, then you crack the shits and go to bed…scrollIng endlessly on your instagram for another hour or so. I know the feels!

My apology

To my friends with kids well before me! I AM SORRY… so sorry that I wasn’t there for you at all? I just had no fluffing idea what you were going through, how to help and or how to relate. Which brings me to my next point; Knowing what I know now.... here's how you can help a new mum!

- Drop off a coffee in the first 6 weeks at the door and send a text to your friend saying it’s there. Don’t go in, don’t offer to help, just do it because you love them (Kate I love you forever) - One night cook a random dinner for their fam - something simple (my beautiful friend Reeny did this) - Ask if your friend wants to catch up, if they make a myriad of excuses don’t keep chasing them - try again in a months time (they just aren’t ready) - Bring boobie bikkies when you finally visit them, if they are breastfeeding (ash you are a life saver) because in reality, the baby has everything and the mama has nothing but double H cannons. - If the mama says they have sore nipples stop in at chemist warehouse and get some hydrogels!

In summary: Focus on the mum! The mum needs you! Not the baby! if you go around to their house and want to hold the baby and give it back when it cries... you haven't helped in any way. If you go around and get all goo goo gaga with the baby and don't engage in a real conversation with the mama - you are a dick my friend.

Find your mum friends

That person other than your husband, that’s well and truely in this phase with you. For me it’s my beautiful friend Aimz and Bell. Aimz is 14 weeks ahead of me and is always a text, call or coffee date away. Bell is 10 weeks behind me but has another child so has done it all before. I have many other beautiful mum friends but I couldn't have done it without you two this time around.

Husbands

Okay... I don't want to piss off to many people here! Mine is a banging creature and I love him to death but… by default because he doesn’t have milk in his boobs, he is at work most of the time and I’m on maternity leave looking after the baby. If…. you end up doing formula there is absolutely no excuse for the hubby to not pull his weight with the feeds. Other than the feeds, we need to start to split the load, split chores … why is this OLD SCHOOL MENTALITY still in existence? This old school: women do everything at home and look after a baby 24/7 and men go to work and then get a full nights rest? Like, this is not the way it should be anymore? women work too? men can cook? men can do laundry?

I feel as though the older generation has let us down with this bullshit mentality that women should do it on their own and it’s our job. I’ve watched my friends husbands do NOTHING to help at all and I can tell you right now the relationships where a man helps and shows up will stand the test of time (some do but most I've seen don’t help as much as they should) . Doing nothing is NOT ON. You want a baby? then you work just as hard as the woman... You CANNOT tell me your job is harder than being a mother? I LOVED my job before I had a baby. It was freakan hard - a high school teacher, teaching over 150 students a day, performing arts disciplines, running musicals with 200 students in the cast and managing 4 creative arts departments. But I would say motherhood is 100 times harder than that high paced stressful job. I could go to the bathroom when I wanted, get a coffee and drink it hot, have a break at night when I got home, be free to clock off, dress up for the day, socialize, have a laugh with a coworker and stimulate my mind. I can tell you talking goo goo Gaga with your 6 month year old is not making me any smarter 😂😂 Also I may be balding - It's called postpartum hair loss... like who the fark am I!

Breastfeeding

Let me sell this to you 😂. "Breast is best" has been drummed into women since the day we were old enough to understand it. Shit. Get with the times - so much research has been done now, surely formula is amazing for babies too - cut the crap. Stop making girls feel guilty about breastfeeding vs formula. Here I am with a 6 month year old who won’t take a bottle; so I have not got drunk in nearly 2 years (counting the pregnancy), I have to wear button dresses that they only sell at Sussans, I can’t leave my kid for longer than 3/4 hours at a time or he won't eat, I have to get up all night whenever he wakes to feed him and I’m still on a diet for my child’s Cow's milk and soy intolerances.

It's just a HUGE commitment that no one ever talks about? Needing to make sure I am eating enough to make milk all the time. I’ve essentially been on tap 24/7 every hour of every day since my child was born… like consider that? It's bullshit and no one warns you how hard this is. Yes it’s beautiful and I’m grateful for the bond with him and being able to feed my baby is a miracle... BUT it’s not easy and it’s a long bloody road.

LASTLY... EXERCISE

The old bounce back... My body is a wreck... and I can assure you the only thing that is bouncing back right now is my giant juggernauts into my head when I attempt to exercise. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I have played sport ALL my life and at the moment all I can do is walk a shit load - that’s it. Picture this: two rockmelons in a freezer bag and trying to run with that bag strapped to you! Hahahahaha I’m lucky to still be standing quite frankly.

I think this is enough motherhood negativity for one blog... but in all honestly I'm a hot mess and all the crap you see online just shows you a perfect picture - it’s a lie!

Just keeping it real, one blog at a time! So until next time 👏

Bliss xx Ps…tell me what you think in the comment section.

PPS... Let’s see if anyone actually reads these blogs! Here’s a 15% off sale code for the website: Loveya www.stormyandme.com

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